Faith, Plans, and the Rest of Forever

I don't normally talk about my faith.  For one, I don't normally talk.  I'm about as awkward and introverted as they come, so there's not a whole lot that I talk about to begin with.  But, to be honest, I've heard lots of people talk passionately about their faith -- but their lives told another story.  I'd like to believe that you can see my faith in my actions & choices and in the way I live from day to day.  I hope that, rather than needing to hear a bunch of empty words or impassioned speeches, people can see that I'm a Christian.  I guess I'd rather be all action and no talk, rather than all talk and no action.  (I understand that there's a happy-medium, and, trust me, I'm working on it.)   But here's some talk about our actions, I guess.  :)

We finalized that adoption of our youngest kiddos just a few days ago (YAY!), so the process of making them part of our family has been fresh on my mind.  When our pastor forwarded an email to me this afternoon that I originally sent him last January, my eyes filled with tears as I was again reminded of the pain that I felt, waiting for my kids.  We still hadn't gotten "the call" telling us that we'd been selected for the kids, so, when I wrote this email to my pastor, I had no idea whether DHS would choose us or, better yet, what God's plan was for our future.   

January 29, 2015 

I know that this [adoption] process isn't about me, or about our little family of three, but about finding the best home for [Sunshine] and his siblings.

But I just feel so frustrated.  Your sermon Sunday definitely hit home; this whole process has required so much faith.  But that's why we even began - because the moment I really started spending time with [Sunshine], I just knew.  This is my son.  I would do anything for that kid.  Along the way, there have been all sorts of nudges, as if God was telling us that four more kids isn't really quite as crazy as we thought it was.  :)

My heart is racing all the time.  I had a headache all last weekend, and my husband feels pretty certain I was literally making myself sick.  I'm on the verge of tears almost constantly.  Even when I'm not purposely thinking about it, I'm nervous.  All the time.  I think my husband's more excited about hearing something than I am... just so I'll calm down about it one way or another.  (I'm sorry; I know that's all very dramatic!)

I'm sorry to fill your email with complaints... I truly do love everything - everything! - about my life.  But that's such a big reason why I feel like we should adopt these kids - We are so blessed, and I want to share that with them.  These children have been part of my every prayer for eight months. 

So... prayers please.  I feel like I might go crazy soon.

That feels like so long ago.  Every prayer at that time began with asking God to surround my kids with love, that they would miraculously know how much they were cherished even without knowing that we existed, ready to make them part of our family.  And every night, as I went to sleep, I imagined my kids being kissed goodnight by their foster parents and prayed like crazy that one day I would get to do the same.  I was so scared that DHS would choose a different family and that I would live the rest of my life imagining terrible "what if"s.  I was scared that this had all been a horrible misunderstanding, and I wasn't actually meant to be the momma of the four kiddos.  I was scared that my plan wasn't His plan.

Thankfully that wasn't the case.  Still, it's weird, being an adoptive parent.   Weird?  Not sure that's the right word, but hear me out.  I don't believe that God planned for my kids to endure so much heartache in their short lives, so it's hard for me to say that I believe God planned for me to be their mom -- because, without the heartache, I wouldn't be here.  BUT I do believe that, somewhere in all of this, God has worked miracles and blessed me with the five most thoughtful children that I've ever met.  I would need a small novel to describe the certainty that I felt that THIS IS MY SON, when everyone around me was telling me I was crazy, asking me if I truly understood what I was getting myself into, and reminding me that adopting again was not part of my plan.  Or how many times during the adoption application process I felt a gentle push from God, nudging me to not give up, reminding me to fight for my kids no matter what.  Or how many times during those awful months of weekend visits, before the kiddos were allowed to move in, that I cried as I kissed my kids goodbye and dropped them off at their foster parent's homes -- and felt the sweet reassurance that God would provide them with the love they needed to get through the week.  Or the countless days that I've felt overwhelmed with five beautiful kids who need my constant attention but who frequently need to test my love -- and was reminded of the unconditional, unending, unwavering love that my Lord has given me even in my most sinful hours.  

As usual, this blog post has been a rambling hot mess, but, if you're still reading this, surely you knew what you were getting yourself into so I'm not feeling too apologetic.  Here's the thing:  I don't deserve God's love, and I definitely don't deserve the privilege of being the momma of such amazing kiddos.  Goodness knows I'm not perfect and my flaws are endless. I'm super awkward and have to pump myself up before even considering engaging in conversations.  My kids and husband will tell you that I get stressed far too easily; after all, if I'm not stressed about something, then I'm stressed because I'm obviously forgetting what I should be stressed about.  My house was described today as being "organized chaos", but that was a complete lie.  It's straight up chaos.  My Christmas decorations are still up, the refrigerator has a few science experiments goin' on in Tupperware containers, and I can't remember the last time you could see the walls, floor or any empty space for that matter of my laundry room.  Oh!  And, in case you couldn't tell by my email above (or this blog post in general), I am not a patient person, and I can get a little dramatic sometimes.  

But there's one more thing I know for sure:  I thank my God every day for the six blessings in my home (5 kids + 1 amazing husband = 6) and for His plans, which have repeatedly proven so much greater than mine.

Adopting required a lot of faith:  that God would provide financially for a family of seven on the income of two teachers; that the responsibility of raising five kiddos wouldn't be too much to handle; that our little three-bedroom home wouldn't burst at the seems with so many people (and personalities!) under one roof; and that the love I so quickly felt for one little boy would be replicated time and time again as we became a family.  This ...adventure... has had some horribly difficult moments (I'm sensing another blog post in the near future), but our belief that we are following a plan far greater than ours -- that is what has kept us going.  Adopting isn't easy.  Parenting kids from hard places is downright ugly sometimes.  But, with God, anything is possible... even when His plans include a baseball-team-sized family. 

And so, the rest of forever begins.