Un-truths & Consequences

When my kiddos get angry or upset, they spew out all sorts of lies.  Maybe it's better to call them 'un-truths', because I think in those heated moments my kids really do believe some of the awful things they're yelling.  "I hate being here!  I'm leaving.  I'm moving out right now and there's NOTHING you can do about it!"  ("I'd rather go back to DHS!" is a particular favorite.) "You never listen to me.  It's like you don't even care."  "You're mean!  [Insert name of previous care-giver] NEVER treated me this way.  I hate you!"  And when they're really hoping for an impact: "You can't tell me what to do.  You're not my mom!"

 

Then there's the new one, used several times recently.  "It's not fair.  Adults never have to face consequences." 

I can see where, as a child/teen, you might think that. No one takes my phone privileges away, no one sends me to my room or gives me extra chores, no one lectures me (or, uh, "inspiring insight") on the difference between right and wrong. 

The irony, of course, is that the consequences I frequently face are so much greater than a silly phone or time spent staring silently at a wall.

Almost every waking moment (and frequently some sleeping moments) is spent working to make my kids' futures so much brighter than their pasts.  Whether I'm driving to/from sports practices or music rehearsals, or sitting quietly as my daughter or son finally verbalizes years of burdens that have been weighing them down, or simply cooking dinner or washing laundry -- making my kids' lives as awesome as possible and doing my best to take their pain away are my main goals in life.

So when I'm having a bad day and get frustrated easily, or when I snap at one child because another has used all of my patience, or when I misunderstand a situation and make incorrect accusations -- when my split-second decision causes my kids to hurt in any way... my phone doesn't matter.  No time-out is necessary.  A rant about what I should have said/done is pointless.  Because I. caused. my. kids. to. hurt. 

And then there are the consequences I face because of nothing I've done and everything I'm trying to undo, consequences for stories that were written long before I became part of them.  I'm not complaining - I'll face these consequences over and over if that's what I need to do -- but consequences?  Yes, I know about those.

I've tried explaining this to my kiddos, but it's usually met with an eye-roll or a weak head-nod.  They just can't fathom the possibility that I could love them so much that when they hurt, I hurt.  That I begged to adopt them because I don't want them to hurt anymore.  That I want their life to be absolutely amazing and nothing less.  That when I know I've caused them pain, I spend the next minutes - hours - days trying to figure out how to fix it.  That when I see them hurting and there's NOTHING I can do to help except cry with them... I feel like I'm failing at my most important job.

Ahhh.  This parenting thing.  It'll keep ya up at night.