Sunday, September 13, 2015
Being "Enough"
(Originally posted on my FB page on 8/15/15)
I had a rough afternoon. In fact, I'm hiding out in my room as I write this, trying to cool down before venturing out.
I can't really relate to parents who have birth kids. I'm sure there are typical pre-teen/teenage outbursts that happen and hurt more than you'd like to admit...
But as an adoptive parent, the worst feeling (so far) has been the reminder that no matter how hard you try to NOT to make it a competition - no matter how much you love the people who gave birth to your kiddos because they're the ones who blessed the earth with such beautiful, thoughtful, incredible babies - in the end, there's this fear that I'll never be enough.
Let's pause and recognize that God is the only one who will ever be "enough". I understand that, and - trust me - I thank God every day for His blessings and love.
But surely, FB parents, you can admit that there's a part of you that wants to be "enough" for your kiddos. You want to be the one who can wipe away the tears, who is called on for advice, who's included in on little inside jokes. Surely there's a part of you that wants - no, that needs - to know that when the big moments arise, you'll be the one who's called and whose presence is irreplaceable.
I've spent most of my afternoon terrified that I'll never be enough. I want my children to love their birth parents, to respect that they loved their kiddos wholeheartedly in their own way. I want my children to repair relationships, to grant forgiveness, and to rejoice in reunification. But, gosh darn it, I want to know that - if forced to choose - they'd choose me.
But I guess that's what adoptive parenting is all about. It's accepting that, just as my heart has space for more than one child, so do my kiddos' for more than one mom. It's encouraging forgiveness, hope, endurance - and realizing that these are best taught by example. It's believing that beauty can be born of pain and God's love is unconditional - and mine can be too, even if that means my love might be rejected at times. It's understanding the past, embracing the present, and finding hope for the future. Frankly, it's being okay with never being enough. Sometimes it's easy. And sometimes - well, sometimes it sucks. But is it worth it?
Yes.
If you're still reading this... thank you, and sorry. I felt alone for a long time - newlywed, 25, with an adopted daughter. But now I know that there's a whole adoption world out there - and that there are so many who have "been there, done that". Normally, I would NEVER post such personal reflections on Facebook, but perhaps there's someone out there who needed to read this today. If that's you... I hope this has helped.
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